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When it comes to talking about sex toys with your partner, there are usually two types of people: those who are excited by the idea of bringing these toys into the bedroom and those that are freaked out. Both are completely normal. After all, our society has taught us that we should be amazing in bed without any education or discussion. Rarely do we ever even breach the conversation about sex. If you are in a relationship where the two of you discuss sex and even discuss things you are interested in during sex that is fantastic! If you are not don’t fret- there are some unusual ways to bring toys and fantasies into your relationship with a partner who may feel shy communicating what they want or are interested.
Both are completely normal. After all, our society has taught us that we should be amazing in bed without any education or discussion. Rarely do we ever even breach the conversation about sex. If you are in a relationship where the two of you discuss sex and even discuss things you are interested in during sex that is fantastic! If you are not don’t fret- here are some ways to bring toys and fantasies into your relationship with a partner who may feel shy communicating what they want or are interested.
How to start the conversation about sex toys
Talking about sex and sex toys is a tough business. You know your partner and if your partner isn’t comfortable expressing their desires and needs that can be difficult down the line. One of our all time favorite educators Reid Milhalko has this fantastic article and formula for difficult conversations if you are looking for a guide on how to break into the conversation. We love the honesty he provides in this guide as well as the interactive worksheet. This is a great step by step guide for learning communication skills with your partner.
The biggest challenges when talking about sex toys
Sex toys can seem like a failure to couples. In our society, we associate sex toys with shame like we do with everything else. Even masturbation alone or with a partner when in a relationship has shame in it. The first challenge is getting your partner comfortable with incorporating the adult toys in sex and the partner or yourself not feeling like this is a statement on performance.
Another challenge is finding what works for you or your partner. These are things that are never just taught to us. In our society, we think about sex as a path toward reproduction. Minimal conversations happen around pleasure. The minute you start even to think “wow that might be an interesting or fun thing to do” it’s hard to find the places, resources, and items that can lead you toward answering those questions.
Why Couples should use sex toys
Couples should use adult toys in their sexual relations and think of them as ‘tools’ instead of ‘toys.’ These toys also don’t need to be limited to something that vibrates or something that you get at a sex shop. Bringing in anything that heightens sexuality and sets the context for your sexual acts is going to change up your sexual intercourse and give you space to explore. Examples of things can, of course, be the typical vibrators but even just the right type of music, the kind of perfume or linen spray you use in the bedroom, can be a ‘tool’ in your sexual relations with each other.
Also instead of thinking of it as ‘intercourse’ thinking of it as sexual relations can also help long-term couples find ways to explore their sexual needs. Not everything has to be about sex, dual masturbation, watching another partner masturbate, or even just massaging each other can be sexual acts that are just as intimate and fruitful as intercourse.
What are some ways couples can overcome fear or anxiety about sex toys in the relationship?
Couples should begin the conversation outside of the bedroom or wherever they want to be intimate to lessen the stress around the situation. Once the conversation started it really should be centered around ‘pleasure’ and ‘intimacy’ instead of a goal of an incredible orgasm.
When a couple finds themselves comfortable exploring this with each other finding body positive and sex positive porn that represents the sex acts is one of the best introductions to adult toys. One of our all time favorites is Erika Lust’s Xconfessions. In a lot of her films you’ll find real people having conversations, using adult toys and lubricants during sex and through this the couple can quickly begin to explore and educate each other on what they are interested in before stepping into an adult shop.
If the couple isn’t comfortable watching an adult film finding a local adult shop is always a great idea. Most major cities have multiple stores that are going to be highly educated, offer workshops, and lean toward the idea that sex should be pleasurable and safe. Look for shops that represent those ideals and go instead because the staff always loves to talk to new couples and introduce them to new things.
The Best Sex Toys for Couples
This clitoral lemon shaped toy blends Minna Life’s revolutionary squeeze technology with the perfect design for pleasure. The harder you press, the stronger it vibrates. Squeeze away to create your personalized vibrating pattern that the lemon will play back for you.
This egg shaped massager is durable and waterproof. Start using it with your partner as a body massager and work your way up to using it during intercourse.
This C-Shaped toy changed the industry when it came out and now it’s in the 6th generation. This toy is designed to hit both the clitoral area and g-spot at the same time. The we-vibe sync can be worn during sex in order to also provide vibration over the most sensitive parts of the shaft. What’s great about this toy for long-distance couples is its app component. You can be across the world and hook it up to your voice, or control it with your finger tip.